All about bullying
This is our guide to what bullying is, why people bully, and what you can do about it.
This article is a starting point, or a ‘bullying 101’. It’s a great place to start if you’re wanting to learn more about what bullying is or go deeper. No panic, no lectures, no ‘just ignore them’ energy. Just the basics, explained properly. If you’re looking for quick bullying coping strategies, start with our dealing with bullying article.
Bullying is unfortunately, really common
So we wanted to give you everything you need to know to stop bullying for good.
If you click on the text below, it will take you to the section you want to read. This article will cover:
We have several articles dedicated to dealing with different types of bullying - start here.
Bullying behaviours:
- Are mean behaviours that are one-sided.
- Are repeated behaviours (it must happen multiple times, in an ongoing way to be defined as bullying).
- Happen on purpose/are deliberate (i.e. aren't accidental for instance).
- Must have a power imbalance – which means that the person bullying and the person being bullied aren’t seen as being ‘equal’, or the person being bullied would have a hard time standing up for themself or fighting back, e.g. older, bigger people picking on smaller, younger people, or ‘popular’ people targeting someone who they see as being ‘unpopular’, or a group targeting one person.
- Causes harm - this can be physical (e.g. bruises), psychological (e.g. distress) or social (e.g. losing friends).
‘Power imbalance’ is a key bit of bullying. If one person has more social power, physical power, online influence, or backup from others, that can make it much harder for the other person to defend themselves. That’s the problem.
PSA: Some other serious types of behaviours, like discrimination, harassment and abuse, can overlap with bullying and are actually against the law.
Bullying is not the same as:
- Being rude – saying or doing something hurtful that wasn’t planned or meant to hurt someone, e.g. someone pushing in front of you in the canteen line.
- Being mean – doing something hurtful to someone on purpose once or twice, e.g. a friend refusing to hang out with you one day. Mean behaviours can still really hurt even when they aren’t bullying and being mean once or twice still isn’t okay. It’s just might not be bullying yet.
- Conflict – there's a disagreement, both sides are aggressive/mean and there's no power imbalance (both sides can 'stand up' for themselves or fight back), e.g. two friends getting into an argument or fight and saying mean things to each other.
- Respectful feedback on behaviours you're doing that aren’t ok, e.g. “It’s not ok to roll your eyes every time they talk about sport.”
- Boundaries are not bullying. Someone saying ‘please don’t do that’ is not an attack - it’s a boundary doing boundary things.
- Natural consequences can feel rough, but they’re not automatically bullying. If you share someone’s secret, they may trust you less. That’s not bullying, that’s consequences entering the chat.
Basically: bullying has a pattern. One-off mean behaviour is still not cute, but it may not meet the bullying definition.
PSA: Non-bullying hurtful behaviour can still matter and still be worth getting help with! Check out our respectful relationships article as a starting point.
Test your knowledge! Is this bullying?
Let’s test out your knowledge and see if you can identify which of these scenarios are bullying.
Scenario 1
Your two besties hate each other right now due to some drama that went down. Basically, one of them shared a secret they shouldn’t have, so the other one uninvited them to their birthday because, ‘They’re not friends with traitors’. The person who was uninvited tells you they’re being bullied and wants you to be on their side.
Scenario 2
There’s a new person in your group and they’re super popular. Every time you share a story or make a suggestion they roll their eyes, sigh in annoyance, and shake their head. You’re feeling targeted, but your other friends don’t think it’s a big deal and that you’re just being too sensitive. You just found out they have a group chat online that everyone else is part of – except for you.
Scenario 3
A friend told you that another friend was talking badly about you behind their back. They’re furious at you for a misunderstanding and they’ve said some really nasty stuff about you (including some stuff that isn’t true).
Scenario 4
This guy in the grade higher than you keeps picking on you on the bus. He does stuff like making fun and playing pranks on you. You’ve told him to stop, but he tells you to lighten up, he’s just joking around.
Which ones are bullying?
Scenario 2 and 4 are bullying! If you picked those, gold star for you!
Why are they bullying? Because they’re mean on purpose, repeated and have a power imbalance (with a more popular kid at school, or an older kid on the bus).
For the record, scenario 1 is conflict, and scenario 3 is mean and not bullying (but could become bullying if it kept happening). I mean, let's be honest - all the scenarios really suck, can be tricky to deal with and are upsetting.
And scenario 1 and 3 both have the potential to turn into bullying if it gets worse, keeps happening or meets other parts of the bullying definition.
Still not sure if what you're experiencing is bullying or not? This can help you figure it out.
Types of bullying
Bullying can be direct (happening to your face) or indirect (happening 'behind your back'). Bullying can also be super obvious and observable (‘overt’), or subtle and hard to prove (‘covert’).
There are a few different types of bullying, including:
Verbal bullying
Using words to hurt, humiliate or intimidate someone. E.g. teasing, name calling, yelling, etc.
Cyberbullying
Stuff like mean texts, emails, posts, images or videos. Find out how eSafety can help if you experience cyberbullying and how you can report a complaint.
Physical bullying
Stuff that hurts or harms your body, e.g. kicking, tripping, hitting. Physical bullying can also include things like damaging your possessions.
Social bullying
Stuff done to hurt your reputation. It can be verbal, like spreading rumours or saying mean jokes, or non-verbal like pretending not to hear a person when they speak or leaving them out.
Knowing the type of bullying you’re experiencing is important – because you need to use different strategies to deal with different types of bullying. You can figure out the type you're experiencing, and what to do about it here.
Bullying sucks. And it's wrong – so why do people do it?
Well... it’s complicated. But let’s look at the science (keeping it simple of course!) and see why people bully others.
PSA: Understanding why people bully is useful. But having a reason is not a permission slip!
It’s helpful to know what causes bullying as it can help us try to prevent and stop it (and none of us can solve bullying alone). It also shows that bullying isn’t the fault of the person being targeted. The causes of bullying listed below are all about the person doing the bullying. So yeah, when we say it’s not your fault if you’re being bullied, we’re not just being kind – it's because of science.
Stress and trauma
You’ve heard of fight or flight as a stress response, right? Some people deal with stress in ‘fight’ mode or have been exposed to abuse and trauma and have learned to use aggression as a coping strategy (this doesn’t excuse bullying behaviour, btw!).
People who are struggling with this may benefit from support (especially if they’re still in an unsafe environment, e.g. an abusive home). They can also learn more positive strategies to manage their stress/emotions and develop empathy for others.
Low self-esteem or past bullying
Some people who bully others report feeling insecure and powerless. They use bullying to take ‘power’ back over others and feel a level of control.
Some people report wanting to ‘bring others down a peg’ by making them feel bad.
And it’s not uncommon for people who have been bullied to bully others in a kind of ‘I’ll get them before they get me’ mentality.
Again, not an excuse. Just an explanation.
Social and cultural norms
The bad news is Australia has quite high bullying rates (according to the latest reports). The good news - it means we can look at those countries with low rates of bullying to see what can be done.
While in Australia we take pride in 'taking the piss' it can contribute to bullying. Stuff like paying each other out, and ‘riling someone up’ (deliberately annoying or making someone angry for entertainment) can sometimes go too far – and might act as a kind of gateway for bullying. It’s hard to know where the line between, “it’s just a joke” and bullying is.
There are also some gender differences based on traditional gender roles/norms, with some boys being more likely to act this way, and more likely to engage in aggressive behaviour when they bully others.
Girls who gossip don’t get a free pass though. Gossiping and ‘spilling the tea’ on others is a part of our culture too – and can sometimes cross a line and become subtle, behind-your-back bullying.
Bullying can look different for different people, and anyone of any gender can bully or be bullied.
Social combat
Some people bully because it gets them laughs, attention, or status. Which is… not exactly character development.
We know, according to psychology, that when people form groups or cliques, leaving others out and acting negatively towards those not in the group can bring the group closer together and make group members feel more secure and special. If a group needs someone to exclude so they can feel close, the group has homework to do...
Some people who bully also do so as a type of ‘revenge’ for a perceived wrong. This can happen in cases where friends become frenemies, too.
These are just some of the reasons why someone might bully. Bullying is complicated and can have multiple causes. Understanding why bullying happens does not mean it is ok! People who bully are still making a choice to bully. It’s never the fault of the person being bullied.
"You don’t have to handle bullying alone. Seriously. This is not a solo mission. Trusted adults, school staff and Kids Helpline counsellors exist for exactly this kind of thing."– Amanda, Kids Helpline Counsellor
Omg! If it’s this complicated, how do we stop bullying for good?
Here's the secret to preventing and dealing with bullying...
Ok, analogies can suck if not done right. But let’s give one a go:
If you think of bullying like a plant – using the wrong responses won't work, because it will only pull the leaves off the plant. The root of the plant remains, so the leaves will eventually grow back. That bullying plant is going to keep growing and thriving.
Stopping bullying means pulling the plant out by the roots (so it can’t grow back).
If we can understand what motivates people to bully, we get to the ‘root’ of the problem. (‘Root’ of the problem - see what we did there?)
There are individual actions you can try, and skills you can learn to respond to bullying that can help. If you’re looking for strategies you can use right now, in-the-moment, start here!
And no, this does not mean one person has to become the official bullying-fixing superhero!
Stopping bullying usually takes a mix of things: safe support, school/adult action, peer culture, accountability, and skills, not just one person responding perfectly.
Stopping bullying usually takes a mix of things: safe support, school/adult action, peer culture, accountability, and skills, not just one person responding perfectly.
Bullying can feel very lonely – but we’re here for you
Lots of people experience bullying. It's possible to overcome it.
You don’t have to work it out alone. If you're being bullied, your friends are bullying someone, you're witnessing bullying or you think you might be bullying someone, give us a call, start a webchat or check out My Circle today.
This content was last reviewed 30
